Extremely Bizarre Events
by amberthefool
Summary: DISCONTINUED. Written whilst on coffee at 3 in the morning, mostly
1. Default Chapter

**Extremely Bizarre Events  
  
Otherwise known as What Happens When This Author Is Sleep-Deprived...**  
  
Harry Potter looked across to Dumbledore. His green eyes met the headmaster's **_(always, always, there is no way that they could possibly NOT be)_** twinkling eyes, his mouth set in a frown of puzzlement. On his right sat Hermione Granger, bright-eyed and bushy-haired as usual. She was, for some reason _**(namely that this author can't be bothered to think of an original name for a book)**_ reading Hogwarts, a History. Again. On Harry's left sat Ron Weasley, his eyes wide and his mouth gaping wide with astonishment. "Wicked!" he said **_(purely because that was all he really seemed to say in these fanfics, and not because there was actually any good reason for it)_**.

Sitting a little apart from them, and completely ignoring them except for when shooting them looks of pure hatred at random intervals, was Draco Malfoy. His long **_(short/slick/loose/design of your choice)_** blond **_(platinum/browny-blond/fair/almost-white/hair colour of your choice)_** hair was partially covering his_** (obviously oh-so-handsome even though Rowling never actually dwells on his looks...)**_ face**_ (as it always seems to do in these fics)_** as he looked into his small hand mirror, practicing his most snobby sneers_** (heeheehee, alliteration. yes, i may be easily impressed sometimes),**_ eagerly applauded by his male_** (crabbe, goyle)**_ and female _**(parkinson. well, she might be female)**_ cronies, and those of indeterminate gender _**(blaise zabini. Don't look at me like that, it's true!)  
**_  
The reason for Harry's bewilderment and Ron's astonishment was that Professor Dumbledore had decided **_(because the author desperately needs something to give her fanfic a plot)_** to stick some of the 6th Year Slytherins and Gryffindors- wandless and with no contact with the wizarding world- in a flat together in the centre of London, to survive by themselves for three months. Which is why they were now sitting on a train to King's Cross Station, most of them filled with impending feelings of doom _**(and so they should be! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!)**_

A/N: I know, it's short. And I know, fairly overused plot. But that's what happens when I have too much caffeine and not enough sleep. So if you like it, review. If you don't, then...review anyway and tell me why! i appreciate contructive criticism, and i think flames are silly. 

**xox**

**Asiopi**


	2. Voldemort wants his squishy

**Extremely Bizarre Events  
  
Otherwise known as This Author likes to write when sleep-deprived...**  
  
_Clematis, how could I not write more after receiving such a great review?  
  
Me: yup, I'm planning to go on with this cos I'm enjoying it a bit now. And Harry and Hermione are supposed to have an advantage so I can insert some "hermione helps desperate reformed draco in need stuff". Mary sues: definitely! I might put an army of them in a final battle or something..._  
  
And chapter two: Voldemort wants his squishy. Yup, I've been watching Finding Nemo. Again. Okayforthetwentiethtime. Mumble. But the ickle turtles are sooooooooooo sweeet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
ahem   
  
The Gryffindors and Slytherins travelled ever closer to their destination, unaware that they were also travelling close to a great, evil force of darkness **_(yawn, yawn, yawn. Yup. Guess who? Time to introduce dear, ickle Voldy. heeheehee)  
_**  
On the other side of London **_(even though, technically speaking, the students haven't yet reached a single side of London, but we'll let that slide cos I'm not in the mood for extended descriptions of the area) _**the Death Eaters were holding a party**_ (yes? What are you giving me that look for? Evil secret societies can have parties too, you know! What do you mean, how do I know that?) _**Due to their somewhat...low...standing in the Wizarding community, these parties weren't usually all that much of a hit, but they held them anyway **_(mainly because they needed something other than "kill mudbloods" or "create another desperate plan to kill Harry Potter which shall undoubtedly fair due to the fact that Voldemort has committed the unfortunate oversight of not having a single clever, uninbred person in his club" to fill up their social calendars.) _**After all, there had to be some events in which Death Eater wives could participate.  
  
Voldemort was, as usual, sitting in his Evil Overlord Chair **_(you know, like the ones in James Bond movies which that weird guy with the fluffy white cat sits in?!? does no one understand me? At this point, the author quietly goes off into a corner to sob quietly to herself)_**, slightly tipsy after having had a few too many sherries **_(who says Dark Lords can't be lightweights. Lightweights being people who really can't take their alcohol. Me included. But now is not the time to talk about that unfortunate incident with the shandy, salsa and bread sticks...) _**and when Voldemort got drunk, he got depressed. And when he got depressed, it was always Lucius who had to sit with him and console him. Which is what he was doing right now, **_(yes I know its OOC but when is a fic with Lucius Malfoy in ever not?) _**though not very willingly **_(see? not so OOC anymore. smugs and before you ask, there is such a thing as smugging. i do it all the time :P)_**.  
  
"I'm telling you, Lucius, it's not fair!!!" sobbed Voldemort.

"umm...yes master, I completely agree. It isn't fair at all. If you don't mind me asking...what exactly is it that isn't fair?" replied Lucius, gingerly patting Voldemort on the back, and continuing, reassured, when he found that his hand was still intact.

"I want my squishy, Lucius! And they won't give him to me!"

"yes, my Lord, that is completely unfair of them. may I ask who they are?"  
  
"Dumbledore. I send him a letter, asking politely if I could borrow Harry Potter for a little while, and you know what he says?"  
  
"no. but I presume you're going to tell me." Muttered Lucius, just quiet enough for it not to be heard by anyone else.  
  
"he says...he said...I mean **_(let us pause here while the author sorts out her by now extremely confused tenses...lessee...perfect, imperfect, pluperfect, present...oh sod it)..._**he said no! he sent me back an owl saying "so sorry, but he's a bit busy at the moment. And he sent some sherbet lemons with it! (because of course these are the only sweets authors can have Dumbledore eating as JK doesn't mention all that many and they absolutely must not break new ground) sherbet lemons! What does the Dark Lord Of The Entire Universe Who Possesses Entirely Too Many Names want with **SHERBET LEMONS**?!?"  
  
"well, master, I had heard that they were quite...tasty." Ventured Lucius, now backing away slowly from Voldemort's chair.  
  
"NO! This is not good enough!!!" Voldemort leapt to his feet **_(yeah, let's forget that he's drunk for a little while, okay? Deal? Good)_**  
  
by now, the rest of the Death Eaters were also watching Voldemort. This was turning out to be a more interesting party than the last one **_(where Lucius had ended up getting out the family photos for lack of things to do)_**, that was for sure.  
  
"I'm telling you this now, Lucius! I shall find him! And I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine! And he shall be my squishy!" saying this, he remembered that he was supposed to be completely inebriated **_(author blushes and carefully examines the suddenly interesting carpet)_ **and fell into Lucius' arms in a faint, leaving the Malfoy in a rather compromising position.  
  
At this point **_(to provide some perfect comic timing) _**Narcissa Malfoy walked in and stared at the scene in front of her. Almost in tears **_(but let us add "Malfoys never cry" to the seemingly endless list of things that Malfoys never do, which for some reason never seems to appear in any of the actual books. Strange, no?) _**she began to yell at Lucius...  
  
"Lucius, I always suspected this...but...**_(all fanfic writers seem to think Lucius and Voldemort have got it going on, don't ask me why!) _**I gave you a chance and this is how you repay me? By fondling Voldemort in the middle of a party straight after I go away to powder my nose?!? HOW COULD YOU?!?!!?"  
  
"Narcissa...this is NOT what it looks like **_(hey, not original, i know, but that's what they all say)_**. You have to believe me."  
  
"no I don't! and now I'm going to commit incest with my cousin Sirius Black, **_(completely ignoring the fact that he's dead because most fanfic authors seem to be in denial about this)_** to show that I've gone over to the good side! So there!"  
  
and with that, she was gone.  
  
**AN: woah. Don't ask me how I wrote so much. This stuff just comes out. Keep reading and if you have read it, please review. It won't take you long and they really do make authors feel good. Ciao**


	3. Hermione gets sexy so run for your life!

From now on, this story shall be known as:  
  
**Extremely Bizarre Events- How not to write Harry Potter Fanfiction  
  
Also known as This Author Likes to Write When Sleep-Deprived...**  
  
_Moony is Me: you really think so? Awww! How can I refuse the sad puppy dog eye look? (note to all readers: flattery will get you everywhere)  
  
Chrisoriented: that is high praise indeed (again with the flattery )  
  
Sailor J-chan/2xH 4ever/Psycho: glad you like it :D_

_shortyfaillace- here ya go, i'm continuing!_

__  
  
**Chapter Three: Hermione gets...sexy! Yes, I know, it disturbs me too.**  
  
_Flick._  
  
The rolled-up piece of paper hit the back of Harry's head. He paid no attention to it.  
  
_Flick._  
  
And another. This time Hermione looks up at Harry and gives him a Look **_(they always seem to be capitalised, don't they? I don't really know why, but they get the job done. meh) _**It seemed to say to him: "don't pay any attention to them, Harry. They're just sad Slytherin **_(again with the alliterations! Go me!) _**losers. It took Harry a while to realise that Hermione's Look seemed to say this because she was actually speaking to him. Unfortunately for Harry, his attention had, until this point, not been on Hermione's face, but instead a good few inches lower **_(this happens even though Harry and Hermione's relationship has remained purely platonic up to this point. Let's just say he got a sudden attack of hormones or something. And Hermione? The author has suddenly decided to jumpstart and fast forward her development by a couple of years, stating that she will figure out a way to make this necessary to the plot) _**which Hermione, interestingly enough, seemed to have developed over the summer when neither Harry or Ron was looking. **_(but boy were they looking now) _**

With an exasperated shake of her head which made her sleek, sexy hair **_(where did the bushiness go? I hear you ask. Has she acquired a wig? No, says I, the author has simply chosen to forget that little fact and make all her characters super-sexy. And yup- I am the queen of alliteration! Bow down and worship me!!! yes...well. want some more story and less of me now?) _**shimmer sexily **_(of course)_** around her sexy**_ (you should be getting used to this by now) _**body.

"Harry!" she snapped, clicking her fingers in front of his face to get his attention. "are you actually listening to me?" **_(you'd think after five years of being best friends with two boys, she wouldn't need to ask. But I kinda need an excuse to get her to storm out, so...let's pretend she's stupid for now) _**

"yeah...course I am, mione" **_(why? Why do people persist in calling her MIONE??? She has a NAME, you know!!!) _**

"no you aren't! you never listen to me!" Hermione suddenly burst into tears and ran out of the train compartment **_(sexily) _**, muttering something about hating and Harry **_(because she is not level-headed at all and does this every time she has an argument with Harry and/or Ron and/or Ferret Boy). _**

Harry, Ron and Draco **_(and possible Blaise, if it's a he) _**watched her as she left, sexily **_(yeah, i'm torturing you, but i promise to stop soon)_** swinging her hips and showing off her**_ (these don't exist in real life, folks, so I wouldn't go looking for one) _**perfectly-proportioned hourglass figure to all the boys **_(let me just point out that_ a) _this type of body shape is achieved only by those who have either had plastic surgery or are just too damn lucky and that _b)_ at this point all the girls (and possibly Blaise) were watching her go with looks that could kill)._**  
  
"since when did the mudblood get so sexy?" called out Malfoy**_(he really needs to get some new insults, doesn't he?)  
_**  
"she's not a mudblood, ferret boy! Watch your mouth!" came the heated reply from Harry **_(yeah, he needs some new ones too. And he needs to learn what a rhetorical question is as well, no? note: yes, that was a rhetorical question. No, don't answer it.)  
_**  
"ooh, looks like SOMEONE has a crush on Granger." Shouted Pansy Parkinson **_(yeah, she'll only be taken out of the cupboard for occasional snide remarks)_**  
  
"wicked!" said Ron **_(because the author is again at a loss about whether or not she should actually give him a decent line in her fic or not)_**  
  
everyone turned to look at him, puzzled.  
  
And dumbledore just sat in the corner, eating a lemon sherbet **_(yup. He needs to get something done about that addiction...)_** and twinkling his eyes **_(as usual)_**. And he was doing this, might I add, SEXILY **_(ack! sexy dumbledore! i need to stop writing this chapter. now!)_**.  
  
**A/N: six reviews! Six in one day! Yay! does happy review dance  
  
So now you know what to do to keep me happy... Just review!  
  
I'm sorry for the fact that I've probably traumatised you with all that excessive sexiness, but earlier I read a fic in which EVERYONE got made sexy, which annoyed me, so I had to vent somewhere. There ya go. If you want more, be sure to tell me so.**

**also sorry that i didn't really do much plot there...just sorta..slipped my mind..._(author emits nervous giggles) _Ciao.**

**xox**

**Asiopi**


	4. Dumbledore is a cardboard cutout and Mar...

**From now on, this story shall be known as:  
  
Extremely Bizarre Events- How not to write Harry Potter Fanfiction  
  
Also known as This Author Likes to Write When Sleep-Deprived...**  
  
_Thanx to **Xnedra**, **ash vault rose garden**, **L33t M4st3r**, **Bobette the Builder** and **Teenaged Banshee** for reviewing.  
  
I can't believe I got 13 reviews in one day...author now wanders off in daze to stare at her reviews. A whispered "my precioussssssssssssssssesssssssss" is heard, until she realises that she is NOT writing a crossover fic. She then settles for "my squishy! Mine!" (yeah, umm...how 'bout I write some story now and leave the crazed ravings till later? Hehehe...)_  
  
**Chapter Four: Dumbledore is a cardboard cut out(!) and Mary Sue enters the scene(NOOOOO!!!)  
**  
"professor?"  
  
"PROFESSOR???" **_(this is Harry shouting, by the way)_**  
  
Ron Weasley got out of his seat **_(yeah, I've decided to give a him a little mention now and again :D ) _**and walked to where Professor Dumbledore was sitting. He walked round Dumbledore's seat about five times before realisation dawned**_ (sometimes you wonder why hermione bothered to make friends with him in the first place...)  
  
_**He stared in wonder**_ (what else?)_**, his mouth gaping wide open**_ (what else would it do? I might find SOME uses for it later...MWAHAHAHAHA!!! wink wink nudge nudge)_**, while he issued two words from it: "bloody 'ell!"**_ (I took your advice Bobette)_**  
  
"What is it, Ron?" asked Hermione **_(yees...I know she left, but...she has to be the one to make the clever observations, doesn't she?)_**  
  
**_(but the author has decided that she has given Ron enough celebrity for a chapter, so he will say one more thing and then promptly be forgotten)_** "wicked!"  
  
"Urgh! Ron! That's the only thing you ever say!"**_ (author swiftly performs memory charm on Hermione. We can't have her learning the secrets of our stories, now, can we, precious? I mean..squishy!)_** "I hate you!" yells Hermione  
  
"but Hermione...you KNOW we only argue to heighten the sexual tension which JK is building up between ...mmph...blurgh...argh...**_(strangled cries of help are heard as the author swiftly spellotapes Ron's mouth and throws him in with the luggage)_**  
  
"umm...mione?" asks Harry timidly **_(because of course HERmione Granger throwing a temper tantrum is much scarier than having to face Voldemort or anything...)_**  
  
"YES? WHAT IS IT?" **_(don't you just love ladies with PMS...)_**  
  
"I think I know why Ron said that. You, umm...might want to come and have a look at this."**_ (because as the author it is my duty to prolong the suspense and not give my readers any clue as to what is actually going on. It works for most authors!)_**  
  
"Harry James Potter, this had better be good! You just interrupted one of the most sexually tense arguments that I've had with Ron to date!"  
  
"EWW! Mione **_(author growls)_**, I so, do NOT, like, want that image in my head! Like, girlfriend, get outta here! It is like, SO gross! **_(a tribute to 11 year old American girls who write Harry Potter fanfics with no idea as to what people in Britain actually talk like...)_**  
  
"Harry, dude, this really should have been obvious to you by now, dude. Hate to break it to you like this, man, but...dude, what can I say? Word!"  
  
"Righteous!"  
  
**_(note to confused readers: above two paragraphs said by random Harry Potter fans sitting on train, a tribute to some of my more eccentric friends)_**  
  
"that doesn't matter now, anyway, Mione. It is my duty, as the tragically oppressed hero in our trio, to inform you that we are in grave danger."  
  
"but Harry..." Hermione was speechless. "You just stole Dumbledore's line!"**_ (true, you gotta admit it)  
_**  
"Mione, Dumbledore has gone!"**_ (cue suspenseful music and simultaneous gasps from all Hogwarts students)  
_**  
Hermione FINALLY goes up to what appears to be dumbledore's body and turns it around. She realises that it is a two-dimensional cardboard cutout, with a switch on the back that has "press for twinkly eyes" written next to it. A note is affixed to the cut-out with spellotape. All the students crowd round the sign **_(quite an acrobatic feat seeing as there's almost 20 of them!)_** It reads:  
  
_"this is what you get for not giving me my squishy! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Fear my wrath, little Hogwarts munchkins!!!!  
  
Love, Voldy.  
  
p.s. Draco, your father says did you remember to bring his strawberry bath lotion to London. He wants it back. **(at this point we all pause to give Draco funny looks. Muffled coughs of "queer" can be heard)**  
  
p.p.s. any of you want to come to my party? Next week, Back of the Ritz. Dark Cloaks and scary masks a necessity. Can be bought at Woolworths.  
  
p.p.p.s. Harry Potter, I'm going to kill you. (what's new?) and I shall make you my squishy!  
  
I think that's all. Bye. He-Who-Really-Should-Come-Up-With-A-New-Name."  
_  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yells Harry. "he's going to kill me!"  
  
"oh for goodness' sake, Harry, grow up! He's tried four times already, what makes you think he'll get lucky this time? And what on _earth **(because Hermione's too PRECIOUS to swear) **_was that stuff about squishies?" **_(author mumbles and blushes and continues to mumble a little till the readers start to ignore her again)_**  
  
"umm..." Harry swiftly changes the subject "what are we going to do about Dumbledore? We need him to help us!"  
  
**_(cue superman theme and the door to the train coach being burst open suddenly. A Heroic-looking figure struts in, but is stopped halfway through when the automatic doors start to close on her)  
_**  
"oh...bugger it!" and with that she pulls her impressive Cloak out of the door.  
  
"anyway...never fear, Hogwarts students! Mary Sue is here!"  
  
Everyone looks at her, horrified. A muffled "bloody 'ell" is heard from the direction of the luggage.**_ (the author whistles and gives the readers her most innocent look. What? _What_?)_**  
  
"To rescue your most valiant headmaster, Harry Potter, you must..."  
  
**AN: hehehe. And there you are. If you really want to know what they must do, and if Ron ever makes it out of the luggage again...  
  
REVIEW!!!! They'll make me very happy :D **

**xox**

**Asiopi**


	5. note from me

**From now on, this story shall be known as:  
  
Extremely Bizarre Events- How not to write Harry Potter Fanfiction  
  
Also known as This Author Likes to Write When Sleep-Deprived...  
  
Chapter Five: Author's Note  
  
Any of you readers got clichés you would like me to exploit in my little fic? If so, you can email me at brightgreencordshotmail.com (make the subject of your email "extremely bizarre events") or review and tell me. _Yup, tis just a ploy to get more reviews :P_  
  
No, seriously, do let me know. **

**xox**

**Asiopi**


	6. bye bye mary sue!

**From now on, this story shall be known as:  
  
Extremely Bizarre Events- How not to write Harry Potter Fanfiction  
  
Also known as This Author Likes to Write When Sleep-Deprived...  
**  
**Thanks so much for all those great reviews! I have copied down all your suggestions and will find one way or another to incorporate them into the fic. They really are great inspiration. And if you see any more annoying clichés, be sure to keep 'em coming. **

**Chapter Six: Bye bye Mary Sue**  
  
"yes?" asked Harry  
  
"Harry, to find Dumbledore, you must...follow..." began Mary Sue **_(alas, never to finish properly)_**  
  
At this point the train doors again burst open and the characters in the story take a lunch break while five Italian Mafia thugs try to fit through the door at the same time...**_(heeheehee...just laughing at the mental images, don't mind me)_**  
  
...and then all five of them shot at Mary Sue **_(yeah...let's just say I don't like her so much)_**  
  
Miraculously **_(or more likely because she has not yet completed her part in this fic and is therefore invincible. Or maybe because she's a Mary Sue. Or both.) _**This did not kill her, but instead left her spluttering and coughing up blood whilst lying in a heroic **_(one must absolutely die in this way, any other pose would be out of vogue, dah-ling) _**way on the floor and dying.  
  
"Harry...come closer" she spluttered **_(heroically)  
_**  
Harry approached Mary Sue slowly, careful to step AROUND the growing puddle of blood on the floor **_(somewhere in a land far, far away, an electric- green, train-cleaning imp is heard to say "BLOOD!!! Do they know how hard that is to get off the carpets???" The author then becomes increasingly interested in the (now blood-splattered) carpet as the readers interestedly ask how she would know this)_**  
  
"Harry...I'm not sure you should go near her! What if she's a spy for You- Know-Who?" asked Hermione worriedly**_ (As the only major canon female part, Hermione gets stuck with the excessive mothering and/or worrying/fretting)_**  
  
"Granger **_(guess who's speaking now? Yup...he's the only one that seems to call her that and that alone. Maybe someone should tell Draco that she has a first name)_** ...everyone KNOWS that I'M the secret spy for Voldemort who's eventually going to be torn between his allegiance to the Dark**_ (Squishy- hunting. Couldn't resist a passing reference to squishies, sorry)_** Lord and his newfound non-canonical love for you. duh! like, get , like, with the times, girlfriend! **_(a nod to all you American ladies getting a bad reputation from those ELEVEN-YEAR OLDS WHO WON'T SHUT UP!!!)_**  
  
**_[gap in which you can insert your own creative swear/curse words said by Hermione at the thought of ever, EVER even going NEAR Draco Malfoy]_**  
  
**_[gap in which you can insert your own creative swear/curse words said by Ron Weasley at the thought of Hermione Granger ever, EVER even going NEAR Draco Malfoy]  
  
[gap used by readers to snigger when a very embarrassed Malfoy and Hermione are found in an extremely compromising position together in a convenient broom closet, even though there are no broom closets on trains]  
  
[gap in which Ron Weasley FINALLY makes it out of the luggage and lunges and Malfoy. The author watches, mildly, interested, as he pummels ferret- boy to bits]  
  
[gap in which author runs away from readers telling her to tell the story properly with less gaps]_**  
  
**_(yeah...got a bit carried away there...please don't shoot me, I'll put some actual plot in by the end of the chapter, promise! Getting back to where we were before the square brackets...)_**  
  
Harry, disregarding Hermione's advice approaching Mary Sue, albeit warily **_(she IS a Mary Sue)_**  
  
Mary Sue**_ (somehow managing to have survived the amount of time it took the author to go off on a Draco/Hermione tangent...Drat! Will that woman never die?!?_**) leaned up towards Harry and whispered quietly in his ear **_(though for the sake of the fic this is loud enough for all the students to hear)_**  
  
"to find Dumbledore, Harry, you must follow the Lemon Sherbet Trail." **_(she knows this even though she has just burst into the scene five minutes ago. And yes, vella, I've realised that its sherbet lemon, but not any more! From now on, it shall be known as Lemon Sherbet, and Lemon Sherbet ALONE!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!)  
_**  
"you what now?" asked Harry, puzzled **_(hey, even child heroes have bad days)_**  
  
"YOU'VE GOT TO FOLLOW THE LEMON SHERBET TRAIL!!!" came the yelled response from those who had actually managed to hear Mary Sue's words above the coughing and spluttering and dying sounds she was making (**_who knew heroes were so noisy about that whole dying business?)_**  
  
"oh...right. What does that mean, Mary S..hit" for you see, Harry had turned around to face his classmates when they had yelled at him, and while they'd been telling him the message, the sender of the aforementioned message had died**_ (author does victory dance along the lines of 'SHE GOT KILLED! SHE GOT KILLED!" till the readers tell her to shut up)_**  
  
"What do you think it means, Harry?" asks Hermione (**_now with some VEEEEEERY suspicious looking marks on her neck...heeheehee....)_**

"i don't know, Mione **_(what a surprise. SOME child heroes have a LOT of bad days)_**. I really don't know!"**_(he says this in case we haven't understood the full extent of his idiocy yet. the author now rolls her eyes in exasperation at the silly characters she's been given to work with)_**

**AN: so you wanna find out what is ACTUALLY going on in this story? And whether it was Ron or Draco who left those...ahem...suspicious...coughcough...marks (aha! Betcha didn't see that one coming!) then you know what to do...  
  
JUST REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Next chapter: Cuban cigars and card games (and hermione in a sparkly dress) if I can manage it. Please do review and keep giving me cliché suggestions, they make my day! **

**xox**

**Asiopi**

**p.s. if you want to give me more detailed suggestions feel free to email me at brightgreencords [insert at sign seeing as ff.net WONT] hotmail.com remember to put ''EBE suggestions'' or something similar in the subject of the email, otherwise i might discard it as spam!**


	7. quick note to you

Just a note to say...  
  
...I've got myself an online journal. I know you're not strictly supposed to interact with reviewers and push ideas back and forth at , so I thought it might be easier to do it somewhere else. I've been fairly busy, and also had writer's block, for a while now, but with the summer hols coming up, I'm FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
So if you go to   
  
Feel free to comment on any story ideas I make. And thanks again for the reviews. I love how they keep coming in...  
  
till later.  
  
asiopi x 


	8. Mr Snuggles and his lovely assistant, Mi...

**A/N: don't have any. Haven't updated for yonks, apologies for that and if it doesn't match your expectations, I'm a tad out of practice. But I'm starting to get back into the swing of this whole writing business. Enjoy.**

**Extremely Bizarre Events  
  
Otherwise known as This Author likes to write when sleep-deprived...**

**Chapter Seven, actually known as Mr Snuggles Drops In To Say Hello And Add The Death Threats And Maniacal Laughs That Voldemort Did Not Cover**

And the story continues...

Harry looked, and at last, he Saw **_(yup. Capital letters and all. really into the Seeing at the moment)._** A thin line, of lemon sherbet, leading away from the cardboard cutout that was now Professor Dumbledore.

And so, they followed it. And because I'm a really coool writer, you know, and I just want to develop the plot **_(i.e. get the characters to snog)_** and, and add some unexpected twists **_(i.e. getting someone to snog Dobby)_** and get to the good **_bits (more snogging),_** I'm gonna skip vital plot details **_(like the fact that surely someone would have stepped over or blown the sherbet out of the way, and, why is everyone co-operating all of a sudden???) _**

The cigar smoke swirled, mysteriously, enticingly around the crowded room **_(mysteriously, because nobody seemed to be smoking a cigar)._** A few minutes later, the smoke cleared **_(much coughing on the part of the students has been edited out. By the way, Asiopi Enterprises take no responsibility whatsoever for damage caused by second-hand smoke. What second-hand smoke? I know not of what you speak!)_** to reveal a man. In a suit. A black suit. A rather familiar-looking man with greasy, black hair...  
  
"My name" he began, in a thickly accented Italian **_voice (I got him a voice coach, okay?)_** iz Snuggles. Mr. Snuggles. And I am here to challenge you to a game. Ze game of cards." (**_Umm...I don't quite know how it became quasi-French/Russian either. ahem. weell, continuing...) _**  
  
at this point, Harry **_(two-dimensional silly little hero-boy that he is. Grrr!) _**interrupted. "Umm...professor Snape? We KNOW who you are..."  
  
"be quiet, you insolent leetle maggot! my name, it eez not Snape! It eez Snuggles!! Mr. Snuggles!!!! And I shall rule ze world!!!!!!" 

"Umm...okay, professor. if you say so." replied Harry **_(whilst motioning towards Ron and Hermione that he thought Snape was completely bonkers, just in case they were slower on the uptake than him. which, in Ron's case, was probably true...)  
_**  
"and I challenge you, to ze game of ze cards. if you vin, you vill be allowed to live. if you lose...you vill die!"  
  
"oh no, not THIS again! is it COMPLETELY impossible to hang around with Potter and NOT have one's life threatened?" drawled **_Malfoy (or, as i like to put it, WHINED Malfoy. whiny little snobby peroxide-addict)_** "it totally RUINS my nails" **_(queer, oh so QUEER, hehehe)_**  
  
"I shall be helped in zis by my assistant, Miz Snookums!" said Mr Snuggles, pointing to the woman who had magically **_(umm. yeah. magical universe, right?)_** appeared, dressed in a sparkly, gold-sequined piece of clothing that barely even _existed_, leaning on his armchair, with her arms draped around him. The students from Hogwarts gasped (with good reason, too). The person draped on the chair was...

**Dun dun dah!**

**A/N: yeah. That's a nice place to leave it, no? hehehe. Review if you loff me, review if you hate me. Dang it, just review! And...**

**Prizes and a cookie to anyone who can guess who Miz Snookums is. I think I've made it fairly easy. Anyone who can guess the answer behind the answer gets lots of cookies. This is because, well, you wont. But try, anyway. :D**


End file.
